Marriage Matters

I recently came across an online proverb on the Empower Network entitled, “Are you with the right Partner?”  The story begins by painting a picture the natural process of most typical relationships.  Most relationships start with a time of tremendous excitement and a feeling of wonderful euphoria.  Even the term ‘falling in love” comes with a specific connotation; it is a completely natural and spontaneous experience.  You didn’t have to ‘do’ anything, it just happened.  This new and fresh experience of love can bring a rush of excitement you didn’t expect and you bask in the enjoyment of it.

However, after a few months or years of being together, the euphoria of love fades and your spouse’s idiosyncrasies that you used to think were adorable, start to drive you nuts.  At this point it is common for one person in the relationship to question the validity of the relationship and question whether or not one should be with their partner.  This is when a relationship can begin to sour and the feelings of being in love begin to deteriorate.  This happens in many relationships but the main idea for this discussion is: “The key to succeeding in a relationship is not finding the right person; it’s learning to love the person you found.”

            Obviously, the deterioration of a healthy relationship or marriage may be caused by several factors.  Most of us have dated someone who we are generally not compatible with after only a few dates. At the point of getting married however, two individuals should be past the point of “getting to know one another.”  Most marriages are carried out after the two individuals feel as if they have had enough time to get to know one another.  Logically, we can then say that most marriages will not end because of a compatibility issue as most compatibility issues come up and are dealt with during the courtship phase.  Then why today do we see so many marriages, relationships, and partnerships end in divorce? 

            I believe this question can be answered with a thorough look at Sternburg’s Triangular Model of Love.  There are three components of love, which are: intimacy, passion and commitment.  According to the triangular theory if you can work on having all of them in your relationships you will have a healthy and productive marriage.

 Without one or two aspects of the triangle; intimacy, passion, and commitment, an individual is incapable of feeling what Sternberg describes as “consummate love.”  For example, once the initial stage of falling in love or being swept off one’s feet diminishes one partner in a relationship may not feel as passionate as they once did or that the romance has left them.  Now this person may begin to search for passion from another individual resulting in infidelity or a loss of commitment.  This is an extreme example but a common practice in the United States.  Other ways one can attempt to fill one of the kinds of love they are lacking is through; work, hobbies, substance abuse, excessive technology abuse, other relationship, etc. 

            Falling in love takes little to no effort at all.  Dating should be fun, exciting, enthusiastic, and sometimes a stressful experience.  We learn dating should end in marriage or even a long-term relationship.  The effort in any relationship comes from the maintenance required to sustain it.  I believe we can learn to sustain a healthy marriage through Sternberg’s model.  Both individuals must be willing to actively engage the other in developing the “triangle of love” between them. 

             In Al Ritter’s book; “The 100/0 Principle”,   he states that every relationship is 100% up to us to maintain and has 0% to do with the other person. Admittedly, this is a hard concept to wrap your head around but I think it goes along closely with the ideas in “Am I with the right Partner?” in that it is not about getting married it is about maintaining the relationship you once had and cultivating the love and relationship you wish to have.  Sternberg gave us a model to develop and sustain a marriage that we may clearly understand and follow through diligent work with our partner, through intimacy, passion, and commitment.  Love and marriage can follow a logical progression especially with Sternberg’s game plan.  “Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your partner), Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships.”

 

Something to Consider Down the Road…

The Importance of Being a Parent

 

By: Kamille

     Parents play an essential role in our past, present, and future.  For most, parents are a source of guidance, stability, and warmth throughout our lives, which leads to children becoming healthy adults (Caballo & McLloyd, 2002).  Yet, the influence of parents can also be a negative one, as poor parenting can result is whole host of problems for both parent and child, specifically child problems include disruptions in normal and healthy social, academic, cognitive, and physical developmental trajectories. Poor parenting practices, such as harsh discipline tactics, overly controlling behaviors, and lax rules are related to negative outcomes for children (Bailey, Hill, Oesterle, & Hawkins, 2009; Roche, Esminger, & Cherline, 2007). 

Harsh discipline techniques used by parents, including corporal punishment/spanking, yelling, and threatening as a response to child misbehavior is related to poor child and adolescent outcomes (Bailey, Hill, Oesterle, & Hawkins, 2009).  Specifically, this form of discipline has been linked to the development of negative externalizing behaviors, such as general ‘acting out’ and being openly aggressive with family members, teachers and other adults in a child’s life, and their peers. This relationship, harsh discipline techniques associated with externalizing behaviors, has been shown to hold true for both children and adolescents (Bailey, Hill, Oesterle, & Hawkins, 2009).  This may be associated with the parents establishing an environment within the household that endorses aggression and violence as normal and accepted, thus the child is more likely to engage in negative externalizing behaviors that have been modeled by their parent(s) as a form of discipline (Bailey, Hill, Oesterle, & Hawkins, 2009).

This environment of an acceptance of aggression and violence may lead the child down a destructive path, one that does not foster healthy development in terms of academic and social aspects, but leads the child to have potential problems in the classroom and interactions with peers if the child is acting out in these different settings and the child’s externalizing behavior is related to the discipline techniques their parents use in the home and have modeled for the child.  Parents need to be aware that at times, their actions speak louder than their words, their discipline techniques are providing their child with an example of the types of behavior displayed in settings related to misbehavior, and the child takes this example and applies it to his or her dealing with teachers and other adults and peers (Bailey, Hill, Oesterle, & Hawkins, 2009). 

There has also been literature that supports these harsh parenting techniques can be passed down from generation to generation (Capaldi et al., 2003; Conger et al., 2003; Hops et al., 2003; Smith & Farrington, 2004; Thornberry et al., 2003).  It is possible the externalizing behaviors that were deemed appropriate in the environment the child grew up in will translate into how the child acts as an adult, perhaps continuing the cycle of harsh discipline with their own children. 

          Restrictive activities related to parenting have also been found to be linked to more emotional and behavioral issues for children.  Parents who are overly controlling with their children, parents who do not allow their child to have the experience of autonomy in some appropriate situations for the child to learn how to deal with situations independently of their parents while still having them their as a resource for guidance (Roche, Esminger, & Cherline, 2007).   Although, in some situations, such as a family living in a community with high crime rates and other dangerous living conditions, the literature has found parents’ of adolescents who use restrictive parenting techniques show overall more positive outcomes for their children (Baldwin, Baldwin, & Cole, 1990; Gonzales, Cauce, Friedman, & Mason, 1996).  There appears to be a responsibility on parents to take into account the overall community their child is living within and assess any risks within the community that may be related to their child’s safety.

          Permissive parenting techniques can also be a detrimental influence to the developmental trajectory of a child, parent(s) who are relatively uninvolved in their child’s life and the discipline and rules are loose, and possibly not established or discussed (Roche, Esminger, & Cherline, 2007).  This is especially true for adolescents, who during these years are already facing a struggle with autonomy and entering young adulthood where they are not as dependent on their parents to meet their needs.  Adolescents whose parents are uninvolved in their lives self-report more drug use, trouble with the law, academic issues, and mental health issues among all racial and ethnic groups (Roche, Esminger, & Cherline, 2007).

          As the above demonstrates, poor parenting, such as harsh, overly controlling, or lax/uninterested parenting techniques have negative influences on children and adolescents (Bailey, Hill, Oesterle, & Hawkins, 2009;  Capaldi et al., 2003; Conger et al., 2003; Hops et al., 2003; Roche, Esminger, & Cherline, 2007; Smith & Farrington, 2004; Thornberry et al., 2003; & Winter, Morawska, & Sanders, 2012).  Children and adolescents often look to their parents as examples and if their parents are showcasing examples of negative and detrimental behaviors, this is not going to allow the child to develop into a productive member of society. We know warm, responsive, and consistent parenting is related to a child having the optimal developmental trajectory in terms of social, cognitive, emotional, academic, and physical development (Winter, Morawska, & Sanders, 2012).  Children and adolescents exposed to harsh discipline, excessive parental monitoring, and lax/uninvolved parenting techniques are at risk for increased academic and mental health problems (Winter, Morawska, & Sanders, 2012).

 

References

 

Baldwin, A. L., Baldwin, C., & Cole, R. E. (1990). Stress-resistant families and stress-resistant children. In J. Rolf, A. S. Masten, D. Cicchetti, K. H. Nuechterlein, & S. Wintraub (Eds.), Risk and protective factors in the development of psychopathology (pp. 257-280).

Cambridge, UK: Cambridge University Press.

 

Bailey, J. A., Hill, K. G., Oesterle, S., & Hawkins, J. (2009). Parenting practices and problem behavior across three generations: Monitoring, harsh discipline, and drug use in the intergenerational transmission of externalizing behavior. Developmental Psychology, 45(5), 1214-1226.

 

Capaldi, D. M., Pears, K. C., Patterson, G. R., & Owen, L. D. (2003).Continuity of parenting practices across generations in an at-risk sample:A prospective comparison of direct and mediated associations. Journalof Abnormal Child Psychology, 31, 127–142.

 

Conger, R. D., Neppl, T., Kim, K. J., & Scaramella, L. (2003). Angry and aggressive behavior across three generations: A prospective, longitudinal study of parents and children. Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology, 31, 143–160.

 

Gadeyne, E., Ghesquière, P., & Onghena, P. (2004). Longitudinal Relations Between Parenting and Child Adjustment in Young Children. Journal Of Clinical Child And Adolescent Psychology, 33(2), 347-358.

 

Gonzales, N. A., Cauce, A. M., Friedman, R. J., & Mason, C. A. (1996). Family, peer, and neighborhood influences on academic achievement among African-American adolescents:

One-year prospective effects. American Journal of Community Psychology, 24, 365-387.

 

Hops, H., Davis, B., Leve, C., & Sheeber, L. (2003). Cross-generational transmission of aggressive parent behavior: A prospective, mediational

examination. Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology, 31, 161–169.

Roche, K. M., Ensminger, M. E., & Cherlin, A. J. (2007). Variations in parenting and adolescent outcomes among African American and Latino families living in low-income, urban areas. Journal Of Family Issues, 28(7), 882-909.

 

Smith, C. A., & Farrington, D. P. (2004). Continuities in antisocial behavior and parenting across three generations. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 45, 230–247.

 

Thornberry, T. P., Freeman-Gallant, A., Lizotte, A. J., Krohn, M. D., & Smith, C. A. (2003). Linked lives: The intergenerational transmission of antisocial behavior. Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology, 31, 171–184.

 

 

What are the most attractive personality traits in a potential partner?

By Darina Prokofyeva

http://youtu.be/CDzRKPFwjjo

Interviews at the University of Utah

Question: What are the most attractive personality traits in a potential partner?
Students at the University of Utah
Ages 18-39

Watch in High Quality

The most attractive personality traits in a potential partner were:

Humor

Kindness

Intelligence

Awareness

Loyalty

Communication

Similar Interests

Outgoing

Research also says:

From the article by Smith I.M, C.V., Vorst, H.M., Wicherts, J.M., Timmerman, M. E. (2011) we can also learn that the Big Five attractive personality factors are “Extraversion, Agreeableness, Conscientiousness, Neuroticism, and Openness to Experience (pg. 1130)”.

Smits, I. M., Dolan, C. V., Vorst, H. M., Wicherts, J. M., & Timmerman, M. E. (2011). Cohort differences in Big Five personality factors over a period of 25 years. Journal Of Personality And Social Psychology, 100(6), 1124 1138. doi:10.1037/a0022874

Passion May Fade But Your Relationship Doesn't Have To!

By: Mackenzie Parkin

Here is a link to my video about how to maintain passion in a long-term relationship. Hope you enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eg05BD0uWy0

Marriage Matters-Divorce and Single Parenting greatly affects children.
By:Darina Prokofyeva

Why Marriage Matters- Divorce and Single Parenting greatly affects children.

While growing up I have not experienced what it is like to have a male in the house. There were just three women: my mom, my grandmother, and I. My mother ended up being a single parent. Single parenting has a big influence on the child's development. A mother and father are better together to raise children because it gives them less stress knowing that they have a father and a mother to support them. According to U.S Census Bureau statistics (2012) “children living at home with both parents grow up with more financial and educational advantages than youngsters raised by one parent. Nearly six of 10 children living with only their mother were near (or below) the poverty line. About 45% of children raised by divorced mothers and 69% of those raised by never married mothers lived in or near poverty” (Children with single parents- how they fare section, para. 1-5). Because we didn’t have a male figure in our house there was nobody to support us financially so we were one of the families with low Socio Economic Status. My grandmother had to work very hard, and sometimes the only food that kept as alive was the food from our garden.

            My mother and father got divorced before I was born and I never had the chance to meet him, so my mom became a single parent. About 50 percent marriages end in divorce. Divorce affects children in many ways. Children whose parents have been divorced face many psychological burdens. The article by Judith S. Wallerstein (2004) claims that “those children who had experienced marital dissolution were significantly worse off than those who had not, with respect to several measures of problem behavior, academic performance, and psychological distress. Boys suffering a wider range of difficulties in school, peer relationships, and the handling of aggression. Girls are involved in maladaptive pathways, including multiple relationships and impulsive marriages that ended in early divorce” (pg. 361-362). Those children whose parents get divorced are more likely get divorced themselves in the future, which might lead to single parenting. Never knowing my father has affected me greatly. As I am in a process of searching for my future husband I do not have a male figure to look up to, to ask if I have any questions about men, to support me or to take examples from. I did not see my mom in a marriage until I turned 17, so I had not seen the full spectrum of skills required having a satisfactory marriage. And now that my mom is married, I have a hard time accepting my stepfather as a father, rather I accept him as a friend.

            It is important for us to get married and keep our marriage satisfactory. It is important for our children, and it is important for our financial, physical and psychological benefits. I belief marriage is very important. I do not want to be a single mother; I want to make sure I get married before I have children to ensure I have the financial support and stability to raise my children. It would give my children the opportunity of knowing how to be raised with a male figure in the house, so they can take examples and learn skills for their future marriage.

Martin O’Connell. (2012). Census brief. Retrieved from   http://www.census.gov/prod/3/97pubs/cb-      9701.pdf

Wallerstein, J. S., & Lewis, J. M. (2004). The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: Report of a 25-    Year Study. Psychoanalytic Psychology, 21(3), 353-370.  doi:10.1037/0736-9735.21.3.353

Reader Question

Blind Dating vs Online Dating

By: Mandee Curtis

Studies show that fewer relationships begin with traditional methods of meeting someone.  One research article I read called “Searching for a Mate: The Rise of the Internet as a Social Intermediary” shows research on dating statics; it states that there is a steady decline of relationship partners meeting in traditional settings. Think about it, now days it is not as common as it used to be to meet someone by being introduced by family, friends, and coworkers or simply meeting at school, church, and in the community.  It is still common, just not as common.  This is due to the introduction of online dating.  The overall partnership rates have also increased due to the Internet Era. 

For most of the late 20^th century meeting someone through a friend (blind dating) has been the most popular way of meeting a prospective relationship partner.  The statistic for couple whose first meeting was “brokered by friends” went from 21% in 1940 up to a high of 40% in 1990 before dipping down to 30% in recent years (Rosenfeld and Thomas).  Meeting partners through coworkers has always been a little less popular then meeting through friends but does follow the same pattern in increase then decline over the past 7 decades.

It is important to note that all traditional forms of meeting partners, whether it is from our friends, our family, people we work with, people we met at school, people we pray with, or fiends in our community have statistically shown significant decline.  One of the only exceptions to this trend is heterosexual couples meeting in collage which rose 6% from 1940 to a total of 11% in 2000 but then declined slightly after year 2000 (Rosenfeld and Thomas).

Obviously, before 1990 you wouldn’t find couples meeting by the internet, but between 1995 and 2005, there was exponential growth of 22%.  Then by 2009, the internet was the third mostly likely way of meeting someone followed very closely by bars, restaurants, and other public places (Rosenfeld and Thomas).  That says a lot about what the internet and social media has done to our society.

Given this data, it is clear that meeting someone through friends or family, or “blind dating,” is still the most popular introduction method for heterosexual couples in the United States but the current trends suggest the likely possibility that meeting someone online will eclipse friends and family in the very near future (Rosenfeld and Thomas). 

Recently I read or saw in the news that by the 2020 the entire world will have access to the internet.  Just think what that will do to our dating pool. J

Works Cited

Rosenfeld, Michael J and Reuben J Thomas. "Searching for a Mate: The Rise of the Internet as a Social Intermediary." American Soociological Review (2012): 523-547.

Reader Question - Delaying Marriage?

By: Mackenzie Parkin

 

One of our readers asked us to talk about the current societal trend of delaying marriage and what it means for cohabitation and other types of relationships. This delay of the marriage commitment is a fascinating phenomenon occurring in our modern society in which marriage in general, is declining. The average of marriage for men in 2011 was 28.7 years old and 26.5 years old for women (U.S. Census Bureau, 2011). These ages have been increasing and show no signs of slowing in the near future. There are a great deal of factors that contribute to this change. Many individuals in our society enjoy the single life and put off marriage until later years when they feel they are better prepared for the long-term commitment. Another factor is that individuals in today’s society are more career focused and thus put off marriage until they have solidly established a career or finished schooling (Loughran & Zissimopoulos, 2004). Other commonly cited reasons for delaying or forgoing marriage is that the person does not believe in the institution of marriage. Indeed, our society definitely has other options for relationships besides marriage.

 One example of this is related to the increasingly common practice of cohabitation. Cohabitation has becoming increasingly more popular in our society as a precursor, or even an alternative, to marriage. Couples may choose to cohabitate for lots of different reasons but there are a few standard factors which come up often. One reason is simply that cohabitation is simply more convenient than marriage. A cohabitating couple can move together without ever having to prepare, plan, or pay for a wedding—which for some can be a huge weight off their shoulders! Others find cohabitation to be financially beneficial decision in order to cut living costs by sharing rent, food costs, and other similar things. Cohabitation is often used as a “trial period” for marriage to test out the relationship to determine if the couple feels they would make a suitable match for marriage. This is also a contributing factor to the increasing age of marriage because while people may be in committed relationships, even living together like a married couple, the actual marriage doesn’t take place until later, if at all. I say this because research does show that couples who cohabitate with the intent to “try out” the relationship may not be as committed to making the relationship work in the long run and are more prone to split up(Rhoades, Stanley & Markman, 2009).

Hopefully, this helped to touch on some of the main facets of the changing demographics of marriage and cohabitation. I think it will be really interesting to see how things continue to change in the coming years and how society adapts.

Thank you for your question!

 

Loughran, D.& Zissimopoulos, J. (2004). Are there gains to delaying marriage? The effect of age at first marriage on career development and wages. Retrieved from http://www.prgs.edu/content/dam/rand/pubs/working_papers/2004/RAND_WR207.pdf

 

Mather, M. & Lavery, D. (2010). In U.S., Proportion Married at Lowest Recorded Levels. Population Reference Bureau. Retrieved from http://www.prb.org/Articles/2010/usmarriagedecline.aspx

 

Rhoades, G., Stanley, S., & Markman, H. (2009). Couples’ reasons for cohabitation: Associations with individual well-being and relationship quality. Journal of Family Issues: 30(2): 233–258. doi: 10.1177/0192513X08324388

 

U.S. Census Bureau. (2011). Estimated median age at first marriage, by sex.Retrieved from http://www.census.gov/population/socdemo/hh-fam/ms2.csv