Marriage Matters

I recently came across an online proverb on the Empower Network entitled, “Are you with the right Partner?”  The story begins by painting a picture the natural process of most typical relationships.  Most relationships start with a time of tremendous excitement and a feeling of wonderful euphoria.  Even the term ‘falling in love” comes with a specific connotation; it is a completely natural and spontaneous experience.  You didn’t have to ‘do’ anything, it just happened.  This new and fresh experience of love can bring a rush of excitement you didn’t expect and you bask in the enjoyment of it.

However, after a few months or years of being together, the euphoria of love fades and your spouse’s idiosyncrasies that you used to think were adorable, start to drive you nuts.  At this point it is common for one person in the relationship to question the validity of the relationship and question whether or not one should be with their partner.  This is when a relationship can begin to sour and the feelings of being in love begin to deteriorate.  This happens in many relationships but the main idea for this discussion is: “The key to succeeding in a relationship is not finding the right person; it’s learning to love the person you found.”

            Obviously, the deterioration of a healthy relationship or marriage may be caused by several factors.  Most of us have dated someone who we are generally not compatible with after only a few dates. At the point of getting married however, two individuals should be past the point of “getting to know one another.”  Most marriages are carried out after the two individuals feel as if they have had enough time to get to know one another.  Logically, we can then say that most marriages will not end because of a compatibility issue as most compatibility issues come up and are dealt with during the courtship phase.  Then why today do we see so many marriages, relationships, and partnerships end in divorce? 

            I believe this question can be answered with a thorough look at Sternburg’s Triangular Model of Love.  There are three components of love, which are: intimacy, passion and commitment.  According to the triangular theory if you can work on having all of them in your relationships you will have a healthy and productive marriage.

 Without one or two aspects of the triangle; intimacy, passion, and commitment, an individual is incapable of feeling what Sternberg describes as “consummate love.”  For example, once the initial stage of falling in love or being swept off one’s feet diminishes one partner in a relationship may not feel as passionate as they once did or that the romance has left them.  Now this person may begin to search for passion from another individual resulting in infidelity or a loss of commitment.  This is an extreme example but a common practice in the United States.  Other ways one can attempt to fill one of the kinds of love they are lacking is through; work, hobbies, substance abuse, excessive technology abuse, other relationship, etc. 

            Falling in love takes little to no effort at all.  Dating should be fun, exciting, enthusiastic, and sometimes a stressful experience.  We learn dating should end in marriage or even a long-term relationship.  The effort in any relationship comes from the maintenance required to sustain it.  I believe we can learn to sustain a healthy marriage through Sternberg’s model.  Both individuals must be willing to actively engage the other in developing the “triangle of love” between them. 

             In Al Ritter’s book; “The 100/0 Principle”,   he states that every relationship is 100% up to us to maintain and has 0% to do with the other person. Admittedly, this is a hard concept to wrap your head around but I think it goes along closely with the ideas in “Am I with the right Partner?” in that it is not about getting married it is about maintaining the relationship you once had and cultivating the love and relationship you wish to have.  Sternberg gave us a model to develop and sustain a marriage that we may clearly understand and follow through diligent work with our partner, through intimacy, passion, and commitment.  Love and marriage can follow a logical progression especially with Sternberg’s game plan.  “Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your partner), Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships.”