Saturday, April 6, 2013

Marriage Matters


I recently came across an online proverb on the Empower Network entitled, “Are you with the right Partner?”  The story begins by painting a picture the natural process of most typical relationships.  Most relationships start with a time of tremendous excitement and a feeling of wonderful euphoria.  Even the term ‘falling in love” comes with a specific connotation; it is a completely natural and spontaneous experience.  You didn’t have to ‘do’ anything, it just happened.  This new and fresh experience of love can bring a rush of excitement you didn’t expect and you bask in the enjoyment of it.
However, after a few months or years of being together, the euphoria of love fades and your spouse’s idiosyncrasies that you used to think were adorable, start to drive you nuts.  At this point it is common for one person in the relationship to question the validity of the relationship and question whether or not one should be with their partner.  This is when a relationship can begin to sour and the feelings of being in love begin to deteriorate.  This happens in many relationships but the main idea for this discussion is: “The key to succeeding in a relationship is not finding the right person; it’s learning to love the person you found.”
            Obviously, the deterioration of a healthy relationship or marriage may be caused by several factors.  Most of us have dated someone who we are generally not compatible with after only a few dates. At the point of getting married however, two individuals should be past the point of “getting to know one another.”  Most marriages are carried out after the two individuals feel as if they have had enough time to get to know one another.  Logically, we can then say that most marriages will not end because of a compatibility issue as most compatibility issues come up and are dealt with during the courtship phase.  Then why today do we see so many marriages, relationships, and partnerships end in divorce? 
            I believe this question can be answered with a thorough look at Sternburg’s Triangular Model of Love.  There are three components of love, which are: intimacy, passion and commitment.  According to the triangular theory if you can work on having all of them in your relationships you will have a healthy and productive marriage.
 Without one or two aspects of the triangle; intimacy, passion, and commitment, an individual is incapable of feeling what Sternberg describes as “consummate love.”  For example, once the initial stage of falling in love or being swept off one’s feet diminishes one partner in a relationship may not feel as passionate as they once did or that the romance has left them.  Now this person may begin to search for passion from another individual resulting in infidelity or a loss of commitment.  This is an extreme example but a common practice in the United States.  Other ways one can attempt to fill one of the kinds of love they are lacking is through; work, hobbies, substance abuse, excessive technology abuse, other relationship, etc. 
            Falling in love takes little to no effort at all.  Dating should be fun, exciting, enthusiastic, and sometimes a stressful experience.  We learn dating should end in marriage or even a long-term relationship.  The effort in any relationship comes from the maintenance required to sustain it.  I believe we can learn to sustain a healthy marriage through Sternberg’s model.  Both individuals must be willing to actively engage the other in developing the “triangle of love” between them. 
             In Al Ritter’s book; “The 100/0 Principle”,   he states that every relationship is 100% up to us to maintain and has 0% to do with the other person. Admittedly, this is a hard concept to wrap your head around but I think it goes along closely with the ideas in “Am I with the right Partner?” in that it is not about getting married it is about maintaining the relationship you once had and cultivating the love and relationship you wish to have.  Sternberg gave us a model to develop and sustain a marriage that we may clearly understand and follow through diligent work with our partner, through intimacy, passion, and commitment.  Love and marriage can follow a logical progression especially with Sternberg’s game plan.  “Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your partner), Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships.”

 

Something to Consider Down the Road…

The Importance of Being a Parent

 

By: Kamille

     Parents play an essential role in our past, present, and future.  For most, parents are a source of guidance, stability, and warmth throughout our lives, which leads to children becoming healthy adults (Caballo & McLloyd, 2002).  Yet, the influence of parents can also be a negative one, as poor parenting can result is whole host of problems for both parent and child, specifically child problems include disruptions in normal and healthy social, academic, cognitive, and physical developmental trajectories. Poor parenting practices, such as harsh discipline tactics, overly controlling behaviors, and lax rules are related to negative outcomes for children (Bailey, Hill, Oesterle, & Hawkins, 2009; Roche, Esminger, & Cherline, 2007). 

Harsh discipline techniques used by parents, including corporal punishment/spanking, yelling, and threatening as a response to child misbehavior is related to poor child and adolescent outcomes (Bailey, Hill, Oesterle, & Hawkins, 2009).  Specifically, this form of discipline has been linked to the development of negative externalizing behaviors, such as general ‘acting out’ and being openly aggressive with family members, teachers and other adults in a child’s life, and their peers. This relationship, harsh discipline techniques associated with externalizing behaviors, has been shown to hold true for both children and adolescents (Bailey, Hill, Oesterle, & Hawkins, 2009).  This may be associated with the parents establishing an environment within the household that endorses aggression and violence as normal and accepted, thus the child is more likely to engage in negative externalizing behaviors that have been modeled by their parent(s) as a form of discipline (Bailey, Hill, Oesterle, & Hawkins, 2009).

This environment of an acceptance of aggression and violence may lead the child down a destructive path, one that does not foster healthy development in terms of academic and social aspects, but leads the child to have potential problems in the classroom and interactions with peers if the child is acting out in these different settings and the child’s externalizing behavior is related to the discipline techniques their parents use in the home and have modeled for the child.  Parents need to be aware that at times, their actions speak louder than their words, their discipline techniques are providing their child with an example of the types of behavior displayed in settings related to misbehavior, and the child takes this example and applies it to his or her dealing with teachers and other adults and peers (Bailey, Hill, Oesterle, & Hawkins, 2009). 

There has also been literature that supports these harsh parenting techniques can be passed down from generation to generation (Capaldi et al., 2003; Conger et al., 2003; Hops et al., 2003; Smith & Farrington, 2004; Thornberry et al., 2003).  It is possible the externalizing behaviors that were deemed appropriate in the environment the child grew up in will translate into how the child acts as an adult, perhaps continuing the cycle of harsh discipline with their own children. 

          Restrictive activities related to parenting have also been found to be linked to more emotional and behavioral issues for children.  Parents who are overly controlling with their children, parents who do not allow their child to have the experience of autonomy in some appropriate situations for the child to learn how to deal with situations independently of their parents while still having them their as a resource for guidance (Roche, Esminger, & Cherline, 2007).   Although, in some situations, such as a family living in a community with high crime rates and other dangerous living conditions, the literature has found parents’ of adolescents who use restrictive parenting techniques show overall more positive outcomes for their children (Baldwin, Baldwin, & Cole, 1990; Gonzales, Cauce, Friedman, & Mason, 1996).  There appears to be a responsibility on parents to take into account the overall community their child is living within and assess any risks within the community that may be related to their child’s safety.

          Permissive parenting techniques can also be a detrimental influence to the developmental trajectory of a child, parent(s) who are relatively uninvolved in their child’s life and the discipline and rules are loose, and possibly not established or discussed (Roche, Esminger, & Cherline, 2007).  This is especially true for adolescents, who during these years are already facing a struggle with autonomy and entering young adulthood where they are not as dependent on their parents to meet their needs.  Adolescents whose parents are uninvolved in their lives self-report more drug use, trouble with the law, academic issues, and mental health issues among all racial and ethnic groups (Roche, Esminger, & Cherline, 2007).

          As the above demonstrates, poor parenting, such as harsh, overly controlling, or lax/uninterested parenting techniques have negative influences on children and adolescents (Bailey, Hill, Oesterle, & Hawkins, 2009;  Capaldi et al., 2003; Conger et al., 2003; Hops et al., 2003; Roche, Esminger, & Cherline, 2007; Smith & Farrington, 2004; Thornberry et al., 2003; & Winter, Morawska, & Sanders, 2012).  Children and adolescents often look to their parents as examples and if their parents are showcasing examples of negative and detrimental behaviors, this is not going to allow the child to develop into a productive member of society. We know warm, responsive, and consistent parenting is related to a child having the optimal developmental trajectory in terms of social, cognitive, emotional, academic, and physical development (Winter, Morawska, & Sanders, 2012).  Children and adolescents exposed to harsh discipline, excessive parental monitoring, and lax/uninvolved parenting techniques are at risk for increased academic and mental health problems (Winter, Morawska, & Sanders, 2012).

 

References

 

Baldwin, A. L., Baldwin, C., & Cole, R. E. (1990). Stress-resistant families and stress-resistant children. In J. Rolf, A. S. Masten, D. Cicchetti, K. H. Nuechterlein, & S. Wintraub (Eds.), Risk and protective factors in the development of psychopathology (pp. 257-280).

Cambridge, UK: Cambridge University Press.

 

Bailey, J. A., Hill, K. G., Oesterle, S., & Hawkins, J. (2009). Parenting practices and problem behavior across three generations: Monitoring, harsh discipline, and drug use in the intergenerational transmission of externalizing behavior. Developmental Psychology, 45(5), 1214-1226.

 

Capaldi, D. M., Pears, K. C., Patterson, G. R., & Owen, L. D. (2003).Continuity of parenting practices across generations in an at-risk sample:A prospective comparison of direct and mediated associations. Journalof Abnormal Child Psychology, 31, 127–142.

 

Conger, R. D., Neppl, T., Kim, K. J., & Scaramella, L. (2003). Angry and aggressive behavior across three generations: A prospective, longitudinal study of parents and children. Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology, 31, 143–160.

 

Gadeyne, E., Ghesquière, P., & Onghena, P. (2004). Longitudinal Relations Between Parenting and Child Adjustment in Young Children. Journal Of Clinical Child And Adolescent Psychology, 33(2), 347-358.

 

Gonzales, N. A., Cauce, A. M., Friedman, R. J., & Mason, C. A. (1996). Family, peer, and neighborhood influences on academic achievement among African-American adolescents:

One-year prospective effects. American Journal of Community Psychology, 24, 365-387.

 

Hops, H., Davis, B., Leve, C., & Sheeber, L. (2003). Cross-generational transmission of aggressive parent behavior: A prospective, mediational

examination. Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology, 31, 161–169.

Roche, K. M., Ensminger, M. E., & Cherlin, A. J. (2007). Variations in parenting and adolescent outcomes among African American and Latino families living in low-income, urban areas. Journal Of Family Issues, 28(7), 882-909.

 

Smith, C. A., & Farrington, D. P. (2004). Continuities in antisocial behavior and parenting across three generations. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 45, 230–247.

 

Thornberry, T. P., Freeman-Gallant, A., Lizotte, A. J., Krohn, M. D., & Smith, C. A. (2003). Linked lives: The intergenerational transmission of antisocial behavior. Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology, 31, 171–184.

 

 

What are the most attractive personality traits in a potential partner?

By Darina Prokofyeva


http://youtu.be/CDzRKPFwjjo

Interviews at the University of Utah
Question: What are the most attractive personality traits in a potential partner?
Students at the University of Utah
Ages 18-39
Watch in High Quality

The most attractive personality traits in a potential partner were:
Humor
Kindness
Intelligence
Awareness
Loyalty
Communication
Similar Interests
Outgoing

Research also says:
From the article by Smith I.M, C.V., Vorst, H.M., Wicherts, J.M., Timmerman, M. E. (2011) we can also learn that the Big Five attractive personality factors are “Extraversion, Agreeableness, Conscientiousness, Neuroticism, and Openness to Experience (pg. 1130)”.

Smits, I. M., Dolan, C. V., Vorst, H. M., Wicherts, J. M., & Timmerman, M. E. (2011). Cohort differences in Big Five personality factors over a period of 25 years. Journal Of Personality And Social Psychology, 100(6), 1124 1138. doi:10.1037/a0022874

Monday, April 1, 2013

Passion May Fade But Your Relationship Doesn't Have To!

By: Mackenzie Parkin

Here is a link to my video about how to maintain passion in a long-term relationship. Hope you enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eg05BD0uWy0