Natalie Lue
Reviewed by: Mandee Curtis
I had to search hard to
find a dating blog I thought our readers would like. I somehow came upon Natalie Lue’s blog called
‘Baggage Reclaim’ and decided this was the one I would review. I have learned before that it is really hard
to change people’s beliefs and values because it shapes who a person is. I believe boundaries go right along those
lines. We all have boundaries, but not
all of ours are this defined. I like how
Natalie defines each of her boundaries; you can see she has a lot of respect for
herself. I think many women in our
society have lost respect for themselves and I’m sure much of it is due to the
media’s influence.
Here are her 12 Core
Boundaries: (when you check out her blog you can see the explanations)
1. Under
no circumstances will I date someone who is married or has a partner.
2. I will
not spend my time waiting around, whether it’s for their calls, or for them to
show up after they’ve disappeared, waiting for them to come back, waiting for
them to turn into The Man I Think He Could/Should Be, or waiting for them to
decide if they want to be with me – I’m not putting my life on hold for anyone.
3. I will
not continue engaging in any relationship where either they or I don’t treat me
with love, care, trust, and respect.
4. I will
not continue dating someone who reveals themselves to be a Future Faker or a Future Avoider.
5. I will
not date someone who controls the relationship on their terms – I must be in
mutually fulfilling, balanced, healthy relationships.
6. I will
not allow someone to use me for sex, devalue me sexually, or treat me in a less
than manner.
7. I will drop
guys who manage the bulk of the communication in our relationship by text,
email, or instant messenger, like a hot potato.
8. I will
not allow lies to foster my interactions, whether it’s being in denial or
listening to bullshit, being fed lies, or getting the truth distorted.
9. I will
not pursue someone who has either directly or passively rejected me.
10. I will
not play Florence Nightingale because it is not my job to fix/heal/help the Walking Wounded, which
means no partners with substance dependency/abuse and no partners that have
issues that prevent them from healthily engaging in a relationship.
11. I will
not date an assclown – someone who is
unkind/cruel, lacking in empathy, and at best takes advantage and at worst,
abuses me.
12. I will
not make up excuses for other people’s behaviour or make exceptions to my
boundaries. My boundaries are non-negotiable!
As for research
I found that when regards to negotiation of intercourse and dating traditional masculine
and feminine sexual ideals include: the man as sexually driven, the man as sexual
initiator, and the woman as sexual gatekeeper.
I read about a study that
was a qualitative analysis of 79 young adults’ descriptions of sexual and
relational messages they received from their first significant dating
partner. “For both men and women, the
most frequent theme concerned the negotiation of first sexual intercourse with
that partner; other themes differed by gender. Women reported receiving
messages from male partners that indicated a high interest in sexual activity
as well as pressure to engage in sexual activity. Women’s responses to these
messages often involved giving in to unwanted sexual activity. Men reported
receiving messages from female partners concerning setting sexual boundaries;
they responded to these messages with both acceptance and frustration. Accounts
of first significant dating relationships also included discussions of having
learned from these relationships, suggesting that experiences with first
significant dating partners may have lasting sexual and relational influences (Morgan & Zurbriggen, 2007) .
Research tells us that
there is a lack of communication about boundaries between men and women dating. Therefore, this blog is a great tool to help define
your own boundaries. It is important to
having boundaries because it shows you respect yourself and demand respect from
others.
Morgan,
M. E., & Zurbriggen, E. L. (2007). Wanting Sex and Wanting to Wait: Young
Adults' Accounts of Sexual Messages from First Significant Dating Partners. Feminism
& Psychology, 515-541.
Hi Mandee,
ReplyDeleteI like how you highlighted the importance of establishing boundaries in a dating. The research on the implications of sexual messages is very interesting. In what way does Natalie Lue help her audience establish boundaries? What is her advice based on?
A lot to think about - the complications of dating.
ReplyDeleteMandee, this is a great blog. I think this woman respects herself a lot, and I agree with you, many women in our modern society don't. Thank you for sharing! A lot to learn from. Darina Prokofyeva
ReplyDeleteI loved reading this post, it was very simple and straight forward but also has valid and applicable information. It is so important for us as women to respect ourselves and this is a great post to help us follow a guide line. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteAwesome post! I'm looking forward to reading more on the core boundaries. Too often people go into relationships based by feelings and attraction to the other person and their qualities, goals, and looks. Stating boundaries would definitely offer power and direction for those (men too :) wanting to begin a relationship.
ReplyDeleteGreat post! I think developing boundaries is key establishing healthy relationships.
ReplyDelete-Kamille
Great post! I think the boundaries that Natalie Lue posts are a great guid line to finding who you want to date and also realize that you are much more important to being in a relationship. She is very candid about the types of men that are out there which also helps raise awareness in single women right now, or men, who are looking for a relationship--don't settle for less!!
ReplyDeleteThank you for the post!
~Rebecca