BOOK REVIEW: MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS: A PRACTICAL GUIDE FOR IMPROVING COMMUNICATION AND GETTING WHAT YOU WANT IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS.

BY: DARINA PROKOFYEVA

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus is my favorite book on dating and relationships. Written by John Gray, PHD; it is one of the most fascinating and interesting books I have ever read.

 John Gray was born in 1951 in Houston, Texas and is an American relationship counselor, lecturer and author. He has written sixteen books on relationships and personal growth and has been conducting seminars in both the United States and internationally for over 30 years.  Currently, Dr. Gray lives in northern California with his wife Bonnie and their three children. 

Dr. Gray has published many books on relationships and dating such as Mars and Venus on a Date; What You Feel You Can Heal; Men, Women and Relationships; Mars and Venus in the Bedroom, but Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus is my favorite. This book is interesting and professionally written. The author starts with a story where Martians and Venusians meet, fall in love, and have happy relationships together because they respect and accept each other’s differences.  But they come to Earth where they are afflicted with amnesia and they forget they are from different planets. Using this metaphor to illustrate the commonly occurring conflicts between men and women, Dr. John Gray, based on years of successful counseling of couples and individuals, gives us advice on good communication skills between couples. Some issues include: how to communicate your problems to your partner without offending him or her, how to understand the difference between men and women’s communication styles, how to communicate difficult feelings, and how to ask for support and receive it.

What really fascinates me the most about this book is the ability of the author to keep the audience’s attention with an engaging story while explaining accurate and concise information about relationships, dating and love.  All other books that I have read on dating and relationships were confusing to me. Because I’m from another country and do not knowing English very well, I have a hard time understanding different author’s writing. But Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus is colloquial, clearly written and an easy to understand book. When I started reading this book I was not able to stop, it was easy for me to read it and I really understood what the author was talking about.  Different parts of the book are even written with humor, making it an exciting and fun read.

Men and women differ in all areas of their lives. They think, feel, perceive, react, respond, love, need and appreciate differently. They almost seem to be from different planets; speaking different languages and needing different nourishments. This book will teach people techniques that will help them solve the problems that arise from our differences.

 Have you ever wondered why women and men sometimes say they need a break? Why men pull away? Why women experience mood changes? Two of my most favorite chapters from this book, chapters 6 and 7, answer us with men are like rubber bands; when they pull away, they can stretch only so far before they come springing back. Women are like waves. When she is feeling really good, she will reach a peak, but suddenly; her mood may change and her wave crashes down. Chapters 6 and 7 explain to us what people need to do and how we should react in these situations.  It also teaches us that we are all very different and we have to accept our differences.

  

The book incorporates a lot of personal stories of other people and I think that it is a good book, even though it isn’t supported by other research than Dr. John Gray’s own clinical casework. This book is useful for people who are married or for people who just started dating. The author has good insight into challenges that couples face.  His writing is professional and very well organized.  The topic of communication skills is one of the most important things in any relationship. Many couples separate because of communication problems. This book teaches you different communication skills you can use to help you to keep your relationship healthy and happy.

I highly recommend you to read this book. It has changed my views on relationships, dating and has also helped me in my relationships and dating experiences. This book includes answers to the questions that I was most concerned about. For example, before reading it I was ashamed to communicate my feelings and my concerns to my partner. After reading this book, I learned different skills of how can I communicate my feelings without hurting my partner, avoiding arguments and keeping our relationship healthy. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus is a very enjoyable read with a lot of useful information. Happy Reading!

Gray, John PHD. (1992). Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. New York, New York: HarperCollins Publishers, Inc.

The similarities with on/off relationships and cohabitation 

            Amanda Curtis

Dating starts with two people getting to know each other.  They evaluate the other person as a possible future partner, exploring whether to become more romantically involved.  If the progress leads to a romantic relationship, then research focuses on the progression of the relationship as: developing, stable, or dissolved.  If the relationship is stable, it is categorized as together or terminated.  Yet, in reality, many couples may dissolve their relationships but later reconcile, often cycling through the breakup and renewal process several times.

These ‘on-again/off-again’ relationships have yet to be incorporated into relational research, but still provide additional insights into what factors predict long-term stability as well as permanent dissolution for all dating relationships.  There are also practical reasons to examine on/off relationships as well; breakups are painful, particularly when commitment, satisfaction, and closeness are high and when perceptions of alternative partners and controllability of the ending are low.  Multiple breakups within one relationship may intensify this stress, and the anxieties or uncertainties breakups create may affect subsequent stages of the relationship (Dailey, Pfiester, Jin, Beck, & Clark, 2009).

There are many reasons why partners would want to reconcile their relationship such as: one partner presumable wants to continue the relationship, or they feel they have invested a lot to time and feel comfort with the other person.  Although, research shows that on/off partners report more problems and few positives than partners from relationships that do not have a recurring nature.

Those who want to take a break from the relationship instead of terminate the relationship produces ambiguity and confusion in the relationship.  This uncertainty felt by on/off partners also creates communication problems (Dailey, Pfiester, Jin, Beck, & Clark, 2009).

Interdependence theories suggest partners have greater stability and commitment to their relationships when they perceive a lower quality of alternatives, are satisfied, and have larger investments in the relationships.

This research is similar to comparing married relationships to cohabitating relationships.  On one hand it is similar to marriage, but it is also seen as having less commitment and great individual autonomy.  Cohabiting couples are more likely to end their relationships than are married couples.  Additionally, cohabitating couples who do go on to marry are more likely to divorce than those who did not cohabit before marriage (Hsueh, Morrison, & Doss, 2009).

After reading many research articles I have found the importance for letting go of relationships that aren’t working.  The on/off relationships are not beneficial and it isn’t worth wasting the time on more stress and having to go through the breakup cycle again and again.  I found it interesting that dating relationships that are still in the beginning stages are very to dating relationships that are more stable as in cohabitating and marriage.  You date who you marry and there isn’t time to waste on relationship that will end up in the dumps.

Dailey, R. M., Pfiester, A., Jin, B., Beck, G., & Clark, G. (2009). On-again/off-again dating relationships: How are they are different from other dating relationships? Personal Relationships, 23-47.

Hsueh, A. C., Morrison, K. R., & Doss, B. D. (2009). Qualitative Reports of Problems in Cohabiting Relationships: Comparisons to Married and Dating Relationships. Family Psychology, 236-246.

OkTrends- Blog Review

                                                 By Darina Prokofyeva

Finding a good relationship and dating blog is a very hard thing to do. There are so many of them on the Internet in our modern days. it is hard to find a good blog with a good quality information, a lot of research and a lot of observations and statistics. After spending several hours of searching and sorting through blogs and websites I finally found a good one that includes both research, observations and statistics. The blog is http://blog.okcupid.com/. OkTrends is original research and insights from OkCupid biggest free dating site in the U.S. The blog complied observations and statistics from hundreds of millions of OkCupid user interactions. OkTrends has been featured in The New York Times, New York Magazine, Inc., The Atlantic, and on Nightline and the Rachel Ray Show.

This blog is really interesting and easy to use. At the bottom right of the homepage there is a box where you can select different topics you are interested in reading about. I really like how this website uses charts and graphs that shows the research that has been done. You can look up topics on relationships and dating that interest you such as The Mathematics of Beauty, The 4 Big Myths of Profile Pictures. Some topic that I found really intriguing called Your Looks and Your Inbox. Many of us are interested in online dating and this post give us statistics and research on which picture is the best to put in your profile and male appraisals of female attractiveness. I think it is important what picture you put on your profile and how you represent yourself when you date. I know the graphs and charts can be difficult to read, but don't worry. In every post the graph and chart which is shown is represented clearly. The writing is very easy to understand and very interesting.

Another thing that I really like about this blog is that it provides you with different comments from different people about the topic thats been posted, which helps the reader to learn about other opinions and even other research that has been done. When I found this blog I could not stop reading it, it was so interesting and I loved the variety of comments from other bloggers. I would really recommend you to check out this blog, it really does give great information and a lot of dating and relationship research.

The different tips that are given in the posts are fun to read, the blog is very well organized and user friendly. If you need more of a dating and relationships advice this blog is an excellent source! Happy reading!

A Job Well Done:

Variety of interesting posts

Great research, graphs and statistics

Fluid, professional writing

Great explanation of research, graphs and statistics

Comments of other people which helps us to learn about other people's opinions

Irritating Factors:

Sometimes hard to navigate and find the posts

Science of Relationships - Blog Review

By: Mackenzie Parkin

After spending several hours surfing the web for a reputable dating blog, I have come to the conclusion that while there may be an abundance of dating blogs in the sea of information which we call the internet, not all of them are worthwhile catches. Although blogs filled with personal experiences about blind dating, dating disasters, and other personal dating experiences may be somewhat entertaining or amusing to the reader, many of these blogs lack the actual “meat” of reliable information and sources. I am happy to report that after wading, fishing, and finally scouring the internet for one such blog, I finally found one that is based on research rather than just opinion or experience. It is called Science of Relationships and can be found at http://www.scienceofrelationships.com/. The site is user friendly and topics about dating can be accessed easily through the home page. However, for an even more specific feed of posts concerning dating, readers should go to the “Articles” tab and click “Browse Topics” which brings up a topic cloud in which a variety of different dating topics are easily visible.

Another benefit of this site is that the authors all have research backgrounds, with the majority having received a master’s degree or Ph.D. and the vast majority also having teaching experience. Sounds like you may be in for some dry reading, right? Not to worry! After reading through several articles, I was very pleasantly surprised to find that the authors’ of the articles had written not only informational posts, but also included a good deal of humor and a little bit of personal experience incorporated in them as well.  This made for exceptionally entertaining but informative reads—the best kind of reading in my opinion! In fact, I found that I’d lost track of time because I’d been so interested in reading some of the posts. I particularly liked a post titled “Talk is Cheap, and He Was Too,” which discusses the way our society oftentimes uses dating scripts—or expectations of how people should behave on dates—to determine who is expected to pay for the date. Interestingly enough, a large percentage of couples still hold the belief that the man should be the one to pay.

Another thing I enjoyed that I feel should mention about this site is that it covers a variety of modern dating issues. I definitely think that people of all ages and dating situations could find some interesting posts to read through. I definitely give this one two thumbs up for anyone interesting in dating or relationship topics. Happy reading!

Remembering the Importance of Culture in Dating & Marriage

By Kamille Sheikh

In the United States, most of us have this grand idea of dating, love, and marriage, you find that ‘perfect’ person, date for some period time, fall in love, and get married or at least are in a long-term relationship. One major factor that we just assume will always be in this process is CHOICE. We choose who we date, who we fall in love with, and who we marry or make a long-term commitment to. Most of us who are in the process of dating are more worried with if we will ever actually find the ‘perfect’ person that we forget many other cultures, such as those living in Asian countries of Pakistan and India, don’t choose who they will date and marry, it is often a family decision. For many of us who follow the United States individualist societal norm of having choice in who we date and marry and don’t usually include our parents in the initial stages, the concept of arranged marriage seems somewhat outdated and fraught with gender expectations, inequity, and stereotypes. We have different cultural values and customs and it can be hard to understand other culture’s values and customs when it comes to something as personal as dating and marriage. We just expect everyone else do the same things we do. Yet, over 90% of Indian marriages are arranged, this a great portion of the world that do not base their decisions to marry based on the abstract and at times, confusing and conflicting concept of love, but based on family input and how good your credentials are for being a good spouse (Mandathil & Benshoff, 2008).

Although, I agree that there are a great deal of social, economic, and gender issues intertwined in this concept of arranged marriage, there is also a part of me that wonders what if would be like not to feel the pressures of dating; always searching for a potential partner and trying to make yourself seem more attractive by changing your hair, way you dress, or even the way you act. I have heard couples in arranged marriages have lower divorce rates than couples in ‘love matches.’ I wonder if couples in arranged marriages are happier overall when you take out the chaotic, long process of going through the dating procedures before marriage, which most of us living in the United States follow.

According to the one research article I found surrounding arranged and love match marital satisfaction among couples who live in India and Indian couples living in the U.S. who are in an arranged marriage and U.S. natives who marry based on love/choice, Indians who are in arranged marriages find it more important that their spouses have similar values to themselves compared to Indian couples living in the U.S. and U.S. couples. Interestingly, over 80% of couples living in India and 95% of the Indian couples living in the U.S. reported having some choice in mate selection. Although overall levels of marital satisfaction were higher for couples in arranged marriages living in the U.S. than the other two groups, levels of satisfaction and loyalty were higher for U.S. natives in marriages based on love/choice (Mandathil & Benshoff, 2008).

I think the important takeaway I have learned from the research is the importance of cultural influences in dating and marriage for the many cultures around the world, especially Indian and Pakistani cultures, and we should not think they are any less happy or that they have it easier than cultures that base dating and marriage on choice. Like most things in life, there are pros and cons with love matches and arranged marriages. I think the key piece to remember is not to be judgmental or overly critical of the different dating and marriage practices of different cultures. Learning about different cultures can help us realize where our values about different topics come from and how we have internalized these cultural practices, such as those involving dating and marriage. Examining what our cultural values and customs are, where our cultural values and customs come from, and what we think the most important cultural values and customs are to us personally, can help in recognizing what you want in a potential partner, what the important things you need in a relationship to make it one that is healthy and brings you happiness.

Madathil, J., & Benshoff, J. M. (2008). Importance of marital characteristics and marital satisfaction: A comparison of Asian Indians in arranged marriages and Americans in marriages of choice. The Family Journal, 16(3), 222-230.