Remembering the Importance of Culture in Dating & Marriage

By Kamille Sheikh

In the United States, most of us have this grand idea of dating, love, and marriage, you find that ‘perfect’ person, date for some period time, fall in love, and get married or at least are in a long-term relationship. One major factor that we just assume will always be in this process is CHOICE. We choose who we date, who we fall in love with, and who we marry or make a long-term commitment to. Most of us who are in the process of dating are more worried with if we will ever actually find the ‘perfect’ person that we forget many other cultures, such as those living in Asian countries of Pakistan and India, don’t choose who they will date and marry, it is often a family decision. For many of us who follow the United States individualist societal norm of having choice in who we date and marry and don’t usually include our parents in the initial stages, the concept of arranged marriage seems somewhat outdated and fraught with gender expectations, inequity, and stereotypes. We have different cultural values and customs and it can be hard to understand other culture’s values and customs when it comes to something as personal as dating and marriage. We just expect everyone else do the same things we do. Yet, over 90% of Indian marriages are arranged, this a great portion of the world that do not base their decisions to marry based on the abstract and at times, confusing and conflicting concept of love, but based on family input and how good your credentials are for being a good spouse (Mandathil & Benshoff, 2008).

Although, I agree that there are a great deal of social, economic, and gender issues intertwined in this concept of arranged marriage, there is also a part of me that wonders what if would be like not to feel the pressures of dating; always searching for a potential partner and trying to make yourself seem more attractive by changing your hair, way you dress, or even the way you act. I have heard couples in arranged marriages have lower divorce rates than couples in ‘love matches.’ I wonder if couples in arranged marriages are happier overall when you take out the chaotic, long process of going through the dating procedures before marriage, which most of us living in the United States follow.

According to the one research article I found surrounding arranged and love match marital satisfaction among couples who live in India and Indian couples living in the U.S. who are in an arranged marriage and U.S. natives who marry based on love/choice, Indians who are in arranged marriages find it more important that their spouses have similar values to themselves compared to Indian couples living in the U.S. and U.S. couples. Interestingly, over 80% of couples living in India and 95% of the Indian couples living in the U.S. reported having some choice in mate selection. Although overall levels of marital satisfaction were higher for couples in arranged marriages living in the U.S. than the other two groups, levels of satisfaction and loyalty were higher for U.S. natives in marriages based on love/choice (Mandathil & Benshoff, 2008).

I think the important takeaway I have learned from the research is the importance of cultural influences in dating and marriage for the many cultures around the world, especially Indian and Pakistani cultures, and we should not think they are any less happy or that they have it easier than cultures that base dating and marriage on choice. Like most things in life, there are pros and cons with love matches and arranged marriages. I think the key piece to remember is not to be judgmental or overly critical of the different dating and marriage practices of different cultures. Learning about different cultures can help us realize where our values about different topics come from and how we have internalized these cultural practices, such as those involving dating and marriage. Examining what our cultural values and customs are, where our cultural values and customs come from, and what we think the most important cultural values and customs are to us personally, can help in recognizing what you want in a potential partner, what the important things you need in a relationship to make it one that is healthy and brings you happiness.

Madathil, J., & Benshoff, J. M. (2008). Importance of marital characteristics and marital satisfaction: A comparison of Asian Indians in arranged marriages and Americans in marriages of choice. The Family Journal, 16(3), 222-230.